Things That My Friend, Graham, Can't Stand

My talented friend, Graham, makes weekly posts called, "the list." I told him I missed his "the lists" posts, so he emailed me this. And btw, expect me to plug things now and always. I used to work in advertising. I can't help it. Have fun with "the list" and enjoy your weekend.

Graham's List:

ON NOTICE

“mcdreamy” - nothing against patrick dempsey, but this has got to be the most ridiculous nickname ever. shame on us for allowing it to become part of the vernacular.

the killers - they used to be so cute in their matching suits and eyeliner! then they decided to make an album about the great wide open or some bullshit, and now they’re boring.

endorsing proactiv - why is this in vogue?? lindsay lohan and puff daddy are payed millions of dollars to tell you they use this shit. yeah, it might actually work, but not because these idiots say so.

jared leto - if you weren’t so fine, you’d have been dead to me a long time ago. now stop with your silly band and even sillier makeup experiments! it makes you look like the biggest poseur ever.

snl - it’s not looking so hot now that tina fey jumped ship. thus far, the new season has pretty much been a snore. amy poehler, we’re counting on you to save us.

tila tequila - the latest dame to be famous for absolutely no reason. this bitch makes paris hilton look like meryl streep.


mark foley - no, you shouldn’t have had naughty online chats with 16-year-olds… but what really irks me is that you didn’t decide to come out ’til after you were caught. thanks for the great p.r., buddy.

employee of the month - dane cook is terribly overrated and jessica simpson is totally annoying. maybe together they cancel each other out. i can guarantee i’ll never watch this to find out.

inspired by mr. stephen colbert
DEAD TO ME

fergie - inexplicably, even beyond the horror that is “london bridge,” she keeps getting more intolerable. who else would use a former meth addiction to get publicity for their album? classy move, honey.

celeb fragrances - we really don’t want to smell like you, i promise. plus, i don’t think it’s very admirable that you prey upon stupid consumers just so you can buy your own private island or a house in the hamptons.

emo - will it ever end? if i see another guy in his sister’s jeans i’m going to scream.

ken paves - not only because of his bad hair and that ugly mug, but also because of that horribly pretentious accent mark he insists on using over the ‘e’ in his last name (i refuse!).

drawn together - this show is absolutely disgusting, so there’s no reason why i shouldn’t like it. but, for some reason, i’d rather take a cheese grater to my forehead. i can’t explain why.

dina lohan - don’t even get me started! first of all, sweetheart, you make heidi fleiss look like a model. oh, and you won the lottery when lindsay got famous! don’t forget that.

kim jong-il - you have got some serious issues, little man. if you promise not to start a nuclear war then perhaps i could move you to the other list. think about it.

hairspray movie musical - yes, i know it will be different because it’s a musical, but it will never compare to the john waters original! and john travolta is only making matters worse.

Viva la Graham


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