RIHANNA - Opened the show singing "Disturbia." She was good, as good as "good" can be when you can't really sing. Her performance was hawt, though. She has a confidence that she didn't have as little as a year ago when she performed "Umbrella" at last year's show. Or the Grammys. Wherever. I watched her sing "Umbrella" somewhere and she wasn't nearly as confident as she is now. The bitch got cocky a while ago, you can tell. I can't blame her. She's hot and she needs an upgrade from Chris Brown. Okay...
RUSSELL BRAND - This man is why Forgetting Sarah Marshall was so funny. He's a scene stealer but he was not supposed to host the VMAs. You could tell he was nervous and it's hard to be nervous and funny simultaneously, they cancel each other out like taking a piss and orgasming at the same time. It's not gonna work. It can't happen. I was so embarrassed for him. I literally cringed, got up and walked around because it made me uncomfortable watching him squirm and everyone in the audience was wearing a 'wtf?' look on their face. However, I highly enjoyed his comments about Bristol Palin and her future hubby. Perfect! Don't have unprotected sex kids, look at where it got that douche!
I also didn't mind his multiple shout outs to Barack Obama. I'm not entirely sure he wants folks to vote for Barack, though, I think he was just trying to incite a reaction - something the audience was lacking the entire night. Tough crowd. He got better as the night went along, though.
DEMI MOORE - Why the (expletive) was Demi Moore presenting?! I'm not sure I will figure out this answer at any point in my lifetime.
THE JONAS BROTHERS - no comment. I have to be at least 7 years younger to be into 'em. Next.
KATY PERRY - murdered Madonna's "Like a Virgin." And why was she on the itty bitty stage to begin with? I wish she was on the main stage singing the full version so I could see all the disgusted looks from the members in the audience as she croaked. :(
MICHAEL PHELPS - Can someone please explain to me why the world's best swimmer didn't come out in a Speedo?!!! And WHY, dear god, why was he wearing headphones to cover up his huge ass ears? I don't wanna know who was behind this but, uh. Yeah. I say he should have kept the headphones on the entire time, why rip 'em off to show off those scary things. Weirdness!
PARAMORE - Was on fire.
PINK - Pink is absolutely amazing!!!! She's not beautiful now, she's fucking hot! Yes. Definitely. I would fuck her, the true definition of 'fucking hot.' She gave a solid performance; her new hair is hot, her body's in check, she has a don't-give-a-crappy-poo-poo attitude. Works.
MCLOVIN- I don't think the dude that plays McLovin (can't remember his name right now) was acting in Superbad at all. Why are you gonna be wasted before the award show when you're presenting? He's so cute but no one needs to embarrass themself like that.
JORDIN SPARKS - Bitch are you serious?!!!!! Russell Brand dissed The Jonas Virgins and Jordin was super bitchy while she was presenting an award she first said,
"I just have one thing to say about promise rings. It's not bad to wear a promise ring. Because not everybody – guy or girl – wants to be a slut."
Folks, this is why my cherry is no longer intact. I was too angry when I was a virgin. Virgins are an angry, upset group of people. Damn. Having sex before marriage doesn't make you a slut. Giving head to 90 guys because you're waiting until marriage does. Duh!
CHRISTINA AGUILERA - I loved her rendition of "Genie in a Bottle." There's accusations she was lip synching. I didn't notice, therefore, I don't give a fudge. She can blow anyway. Not a big deal. I'm also into her reinvention. Luvs it!
As you know, Britney Spears won three awards, one award for each category in which she was nominated.
Her fans are hardcore! I can't believe it has taken her SO long to pick up her first moonman. Congrats!
KANYE WEST - Uh, wtf was the glowing broken heart on your chest about, why was it there, why was your hair grown out, why were you singing instead of yelling, running around, venting or even whining? Why didn't you give me something to smile about? I was so confused, waiting for you to wrap up your broken heart bitching and launch into a hit song. Don't do this to us again, Kanye, k?
It's the MTV Awards, the glory days are long gone. They do too much weird shit these days, with shorter versions of songs performed on multiple stages, weird hosts and weird sets.
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